I did it. I got my confidence groove back.
To be fair, I don’t know that I ever really lost it. It was hiding, for sure. I needed to unearth it.
Even though each day is new and if we pay attention, each day offers us new experiences to delight in, when I experienced something that was difficult, traumatic even, it changed the course of how I attacked each day. Key word being ‘attacked.’ I had stopped seeing the fun in each day and was trying so damn hard to be independent that I was killing my groove. The harder I fought for it, the more it escaped me.
I had to realize that I’d never really lost my confidence groove. I just wasn’t tapping into it.
I was on my own with three kids and I was determined to make it work, and work well. I was going to provide a comfortable life for these kids no matter what, damn it. So I tried my hand at a variety of ventures I’d never entertained before. That was fun, I must admit. But I was approaching it from the wrong perspective. I just wanted to find a way to bring in money. While that’s important, of course, the way to go about it was wrong.
So I settled my damn self down. I stopped trying to create for money. I stopped creating at all for a bit.
Once I felt the desire begin to come back to create for creation’s sake, I knew I was ready. And I knew my confidence groove was surfacing again. Not that it had left – I’d buried it with fear.
I had to surrender to not knowing how it would turn out in order for the fear to leave and to reunite with my confidence.
“You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, ‘I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.’ You must do the thing you think you cannot do.”
― Eleanor Roosevelt