How to Forgive the Toxic Ex


“Grudges are for those who insist that they are owed something; forgiveness, however, is for those who are substantial enough to move on.” – Criss Jami

While it absolutely takes two to make or break a relationship, toxic partners behave in horrific and seemingly unforgivable ways.

There is so much talk about the importance of forgiveness.  

While I was still feeling the pangs of disbelief and betrayal at what my toxic ex had done, I thought: FUCK THAT. 

Fuck forgiveness.

If I forgive him, that means he wins.  If I forgive him, that means I condone what he did.  If I forgive him, I’ll open myself up to his torture again.

I’m glad to tell you, I was wrong.

You know, for a long time I thought that if my ex would just apologize, it would make things so much better.  Perhaps I could forgive him then.  Or least be able to move forward.

And eventually, he did apologize.  Many times.

You know what?

It didn’t matter.  At all.

His words can never change what he did.  But I also don’t want to hold onto the anger or fear because of what he did.

And maybe he really was sorry.  That doesn’t matter, either.

The fact that none of that matter really stumped me.  Until I figured out that forgiveness really has nothing to do with him.

In order for me to forgive him and move forward, I had to forgive myself for allowing that relationship to happen in the first place.

So, to forgive — release the toxic hold — your toxic partner or toxic ex, you have to find a way to forgive yourself first.

You did the best you could with what you knew at the time.

Your desire to help others drew the toxic person to you.

Your insecurities and wounds contributed to you allowing them to draw you in.

We are not always aware of our insecurities.

Relationships are meant to show us things about ourselves. Relationships with toxic people show us where we have the most room to grow.

If you have unhealed, and subconscious wounds a toxic person can and will attach himself/herself to you.

It’s no different than any other relationship where there’s a give and take.

In toxic relationships, we give empathy and compassion, they give love-bombing and faux security.

The difference is, we mean it. We aren’t going to yank it all away because it’s part of who we are foundationally.

They have learned to survive in the world by propagating their lies.

But you know all of this now.  You probably also know how to spot toxic people.  And I’ll bet you’re working on healing the parts of yourself that allowed for the relationship to happen.  

Remember, not all people are going to betray you.  Not all people are going to be toxic.

Your belief in the goodness of people in general is still a wonderful quality – don’t ever lose it.

Love and light,




Do me a favor.  Have you been able to forgive someone who hurt you?  How did you do it?  Leave a comment below.

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