I got triggered by something today.
Something that made me realize I do still seek approval. Not in the same way as I have in the past, mind you. But that stomach-sinking feeling made me all too aware that more work needs to be done in the I-Am-Worthy department.
That awareness got me thinking further.
What have I sought out in relationships up until now? Security. Love and security seemed to go hand in hand for me. Freedom? Not so much. I’d never really given it a thought…until I realized I’d lost mine. Was it worth it? For love? Or security? Or the fake sense of those things?
But that means I’ve had to woman-up and take care of myself. Or face the reality of doing that. With the kids. That’s a scary place, yo. So while I’ve loved the men I’ve married, I have to be honest with myself and recognize that a lot of what made them attractive to me was the security I thought they provided.
And along the way, I gave up the freedom to truly be myself. Turns out, that’s not worth it. Actually, it’s not even feasible to be without it. I start fighting to gain it back. And all of a sudden, it seems as though I’m ungrateful for the quasi-love and quasi-security that I didn’t realize I had to trade in my freedom for. It’s a ridiculous place to be… because I was always grateful – even for what I later realized was fake.
Or at least not what my ideal scenario entailed.
So I suppose it’s better to realize that when I thought they were letting me down, they weren’t.
I let myself down. I settled, and I shouldn’t have.
Not settling is a great little mantra to attempt to stand behind. It’s a hell of a lot scarier when you realize that means you have stay outside of your comfort zone to really not settle.
I think I’m ready now, though.
I would rather be authentically outside of my comfort zone than to live a life of settling.
I am. I’m ready.
Love and light,
When have you decided not to settle? Leave a comment below!
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