I remember so clearly the day I decided he wasn’t worthy my energy anymore.
I was done with the lies. I was done with being made to feel inferior. I was done with the manipulation.
I was done with him.
Or so I thought.
I divorced the toxic ex. I decided it was necessary for me to break free. We still have to communicate, though, because we have a child together.
So I also decided that I was going to be the best co-parent I could possibly be, even though I was disgusted with his toxic nature, because our child deserves to have two parents working together for her benefit.
Part of this new focus for me was that I refused to speak badly of him in general.
No ex-bashing.
This was really hard. Like, so insanely hard. After all, I had been so entrenched in how awful things were with him, that was almost all I could see.
But I knew. I just knew that if I kept that up, I would stay stuck. And nothing good comes from being stuck.
So I chose to put my focus on all the ways he had tried to be a good partner to me in the past. WHAT?! I know.
And yes, that was tricky, but if you put your focus on something, you’ll find what you’re looking for.
Most importantly, I put my focus on all the ways I could see that he was trying to be a wonderful Dad to our child.
I’m sure you can tell by now, I’m not referring to the usual “bashing.”
If you are still at that point, where every chance you get, you say something horrible about your ex, please go here and read this. Trust me: that kind of bashing is the most unhealthy thing you can do for your own well-being, and you will only attract more toxicity into your life while you continue to do it.
No, the bashing I’m referring to comes from your own perspective on the toxic relationship.
Bashing your toxic ex isn’t just saying how awful he is to your friends. It isn’t just focusing on and worrying about the crap he tries to pull.
It’s allowing him to control your focus.
And yes, you have to give him permission to do that.
He can behave any old way he wants, but YOU get to decide if you are going to let his behavior rule your thoughts and actions.
Bashing him is any continued focus on his negative aspects.
Yes, it’s important to know what you are dealing with and to create solid boundaries. But once you’ve done that? Leave it be.
You’re against him treating you badly, I get it. I really do.
But the best way to be against something is to be for something else.
Instead of being against how he behaves, be FOR as healthy a relationship as you can have with him.
And in fact, you have to do it without bashing him, because the longer you keep your focus on what deserves bashing, the longer you’ll experience it.
You don’t want toxicity, you want healthy.
You’ll never get away from toxicity and into healthy until you stop bashing your toxic ex.
Here’s how to stop bashing your ex and start experiencing a better situation with him:
1 Identify the behaviors you aren’t willing to accept.
2 Decide what you WILL accept instead, relative to each negative behavior.
3 Prepave experiencing what you WANT to experience from him.
I’ve done exactly this with my toxic ex, and have guided my clients to do the same, with much success. Prepave, have faith, and look for evidence of what you WANT.
Leave a comment below with an example of a behavior you aren’t willing to accept and how you can reframe it into something you WILL accept.
With love and light,
I know it can feel so hard to focus away from all of the hell you’ve been through and may still be going to. That’s where I come in. I can help. Go here to take a peek at my 30 Day Toxic Relationship Detox Bootcamp.
Not quite ready for the full Bootcamp experience yet? No worries. Click here to get two free lessons.